Monogamy is an advanced technology.
This blog article was inspired by my friend Akal Anand & through this post by Aubrey Marcus who referred to this concept; it stirred something in me…this is the result & it is a work in progress…
These words are being birthed-through my own messy, ineffable inquiry into what it ‘means’ to be in an ‘awakened monogamous’ relationship ; after 11 years of exploring non hierarchical forms of open relating….These words are shared to seed a wider-dream; a dream of creating relationships-by-design in accordance to our unique nature, whilst understanding the fundamental human need for safety AND freedom…These words hold the intention for us to co-dream a whole new way of loving. We are heading towards a social renaissance, and our relationships are surely gonna come with us…how does that want to look?
"If you want endless repetition, see a lot of different people. If you want infinite variety, stay with one."-Joni Mitchell.
Re-thinking relationships & sex in a world that’s lost it’s mind & fallen out of love…
We all know that feeling of aliveness that comes with the onset of a brand, shiny new love affair; our heart begins to beat faster, we feel calm yet excited for prolonged periods of time - the whole world begins to feel that-bit-brighter. We feel alive when we’re falling in love. This has been affectionately coined as ‘new relationship energy’ by Zhahai Stewart in the 1980’s & is a concept that has been more widly used in polyamorous communities to describe the contrast of new & existing partnerships. At the end of the day; we live in a time where we’re constantly being seduced by the Wiley gaze of choice - with the swipe of a finger we can summon forth a human stranger into our apartments & we can dispose of people at the click of a button. The way we consume & create has certainly influenced how we choose to copulate.
We are blinded by our urgency to feel alive.
When we’ve been in a relationship for long enough, dopamine begins to drop & so does oxytocin - the natural drugs that make us feel good & keep us entertained; these become replaced with vasopressin - which is the hormone responsible for inspiring us to nurture & protect. I can’t help but connect this neuro-anthropological pattern with what I see happening in the collective consciousness; we are well-entertained yet entirely NUMB & disconnected from a deeper meaning.
What our time needs now - more than ever - is the willingness to nurture rather than to be entertained…
& what I’m curious about, is; how are our relating choices affecting/training our capacity to sustain a desire to nurture something greater than ourselves? and what does this mean for us an emergent species redefining what it means to be human?
Nurture & the nervous system.
Let me tell you a little love affair I’ve been exploring; FERMENTATION & SOURDOUGH BAKING…In the process of cultivating living biocultures & creating edible art out of them - one thing has become clear; in order to truly know how to nurture something, it involves plenty of rooting. Time. Space. Devotion. So that we can truly work-with organic strains of life. Something that I see happening in much of western culture is that our neurological systems & nervous systems are becoming hyper-aroused. This both good AND bad, of course; creative processes are accelerated, everything is getting that bit quicker. However, we have lost connection with the slower, deeply intelligent life forms that can truly TEACH us how to live.
;a seed for thought here:- how can our choices in life amplify our collective need to slow down & re-member how to nourish life rather than destroy it?
Relationship as a crucible of transformation; the tantric consort relationship.
To say yes to the vertical instead of the horizontal - is to say YES to a relationship that has the power to transform you entirely.
The truth is; all relationships serve as an ashram that exposes all of our wildest, most sacred wounds. We meet life fully naked when we let ourselves be met by another - in general any relationship/friendship/project with commitment as part of the recipe will do this to us. However, there is a unique alchemy & crucible of transformation available to us when we truly choose to defy the socialised norms of monogamy {ownership, secrecy & co-dependancy} & instead, choose to go into a fully transparent, awakened expression of partnership.
This choice - of going into a devotional partnership with one person - has been deemed an embodied spiritual practice for centuries & has many different names depending on the lineage; I will focus on the concept of the ‘tantric consort’ which has roots in buddhism…
Who Is the Tantric Consort?
The Vajrayana or tantric tradition says that spirituality in the fullest sense cannot be an isolated, solitary, purely self-involved enterprise. Rather, we make the deepest journey of transformation and ultimate fulfillment only in relationship—with our deepest nature, with our unique karmic situations, with the people in our lives, and with the living universe around us. Through being in connection with these others, we are inspired, we love, and we open. We learn at the deepest levels that we are never one alone but always two-by-two, always in connection, always in the love relationship with all that is; and therein lies our life and our realization.
The tantric consort is the ultimate other. In fact, in the tantric tradition, it is said that moment by moment, he or she represents to us the entire phenomenal world. In other words, in the consort, we most deeply and completely meet the sacred universe in its entirety—a perhaps outrageous claim, but one that experience proves. Through the practice of taking the consort as representing the sacred totality, we learn to love more deeply than we ever imagined possible—first the consort, then everything that is. We see where we habitually hold back and hide out; we practice ways to release our masks, blockages, and obstacles; and ultimately we find union, where releasing our narcissistic fixation on ourselves and discovering our profound and eternal oneness with the consort—and through him or her the world—are the same thing. Ultimately, our ability to journey on the path of the tantric consort comes down to our own willingness, bravery, and devotion in cultivating an open heart and in learning to love the beloved openly and without limit.
Commitment as a spiritual choice;
In a world where instant gratification is right around the corner; where freshly cooked food can be delivered to us “in under ten minutes”, where we can travel overseas at lightening speed, in a world where we’re promised we can instantly hypnotise all our traumas away & orgasm-on-demand with the push of a vibration - it is not an easy choice to make to go vertical instead of horizontal.
However, there is a real risk of burnout & restlessness if we are to perpetuate this type of bite-size, quick-fix culture. On a physiological level, it’s damaging to the nervous system to always be in a state of roaming, wondering if the grass is greener on the other side.
I’ve had my own experience of physical imbalances at the mercy of feeling insecure in relationship;
An additional curiosity that I have - is that of TRAUMA, open relating & how our relating choice can profoundly affect our nervous system if we’re not rooted in a deep sense of safety in the system foremost.
In my time of exploring polyamory & open relating, I was battling with severe womb pain & physical imbalances in my pelvic household in general. It was only recently that I realised how psychosomatic this pain is; tov the point where I can pin it down to a specific experience that creates this exact sensation of dysregulation in my body & therefore my body-mind….The situation is clear :- whenever my partner would connect with another woman, I would feel it RIGHT THERE. The pain. The pain was not the ‘problem’ however the challenge was to actually give this trauma the space it needed to fully be felt & transformed. The trouble I see, in many undogmatic relating cultures - is that of ‘self responsibility’ as the sexiest social faculty one can have when they’re polyamorous.
The fear I have, is that this pulls us away from our innate human nature of interdependance. We do need SAFETY to be able to thrive. When this fundamental need is not met, trauma can resurface - as physical or emotional pain. When we aren’t able to fully give this pain space, with ourself or with our partner/s - it is inevitable that this pain can turn into more complex sets of imbalances in the body.
This is just my own story - if it resonates, let it resonate- if it doesn’t; trust that more. I simply share this here as my own seed of inquiry; what is a trauma-informed way to address our fundamental needs for both SAFETY and FREEDOM? In accordance to our very-basic-human nervous systems & neurological systems.
IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: this is not about staying in toxic & abusive dynamics. It is not about enabling unhealthy, damaging behaviours & it is not about buying in-to ‘movie'-like’ stories of '“the one”. It is not about being attached or co-dependant. It is about creating a progressive, transparent way of relating that includes commitment & devotion.
*this is also not about shaming or judging polygamy or polyamorous modes of relating; what I encourage is for people to find a form of relating that encourages a sense of CHOICE & AGENCY. If polyamory & open-relating is truly the most relaxing, evolutionary &/or empowering expression of relating for you; please take these words & know they can be applied to almost any form of relating. It is possible to explore devotion & commitment in any relationship, project or friendship.
So what’s a woke-as-fuck relationship?*that both defies the societal norms of monogamy whilst also regulates the nervous system & is the spiritual crucible of devotion unique to that of monogamy?
The truth is; since the dawn of agriculture- monogamy - which was once a devotional, spiritual choice for the buddhists & the priest, priestesses of the temples of Egypt - to name a few - has been appropriated by roman Catholicism & patriarchy to mean POSSESSION, SECRECY, MODESTY & basically MISOGYNY. This form of relating became distorted through the juvenile immature masculine, patriarchal fear-based power-based mindset into something totally other than what it really IS. Or what it can be.
I can’t help but wonder; as the whole world begins to awaken - is now the time to reclaim this tantric tradition - the origin of all human relating. Is now a groovier time than ever to resurrect monogamy into that of a truth-based, empowering space where two people can rise, deeply rooted? If we’re in a spiritual & social renaissance right now, what is the most progressive yet devotional way you can personally choose to relate? right now?
& is this choice - one for YOU, for your partner. Or for the emergent heart of the world?
